My sweet boys,
You are still so little. At just 2-and-a-half and 13 months old, the world should be full of all good things. Summer afternoons in the pool. Ice cream after dinner. Sunday morning French toast. It is my greatest goal to give you all of those things because you will have to understand so much more than you should for your ages.
You know how sometimes Mama doesn’t feel good? How she gets tired and her legs hurt? How sometimes it’s really hard for Mama to pick you up so you have to climb up into her lap? You, my sweet boys, are going to have so many opportunities to learn empathy, caregiving, and the uncertainty of so many things because your Mama has MS.
You won’t, and you should not, fully understand what that means for quite a while. But, basically, it means some things might be a little harder for your Mama than some of your friends’ Mamas. We might have to sit in the shade when we go to the beach. We might not be able to run as fast as Lightning McQueen in the backyard. We might have to wait until Daddy gets home to go to the playground. But I promise that I will do my best to do every single thing I can do with you when I can.
I also promise to always be honest with you. I will not overwhelm you or scare you by telling you every single thing, but I will always answer your questions and you can always tell me how you feel. Even if you feel scared or sad – because, chances are, I might be scared or sad, too.
You have the best Daddy. He will lead by example of how to be the best support system for a person who has trouble doing things sometimes. He seamlessly and effortlessly picks up where I leave off. So much so, I think you might not even notice when Mama has to stop doing something like dancing in the kitchen or pushing you in the swing. I hope and I know you will grow to be kind and caring souls, just like him.
I’m sorry if there are days I feel sad. I want so badly to be able to run laps around the pool, jump on the trampoline, and swing you up over my head, but I can’t. It breaks my heart to think there may be more things I may not be able to do, but we will cross those bridges if and when we have to. In the meantime, we will do all the things we love. We’ll bake banana bread, and build the biggest train tracks, and paint, and sing the “Itsy Itsy Spider” one hundred times in a row. And I will always tell you how much I love you both.
All my love,
Mama
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