I’ve said a million times before that my two boys could not be more different. Their personalities, their preferences, the way they do things, and even the way they fed as newborns and babies. Though they’re only 18 months apart, my breastfeeding experiences were polar opposites; so, I figured, what better time than World Breastfeeding Week to chat about them!
Exclusive Pumping (October 2017 – June 2018)
TJ’s delivery did not go according to plan. I was induced, labored for 21 hours, and wound up having an emergency c-section. After all that drama, I was worried about how we would each do with breastfeeding since I couldn’t even hold him for a few hours after he was delivered. Add in how delirious I was from all the meds I was on and recovering from labor and delivery, I barely remember the first 24 hours of his life so the focus wasn’t really on breastfeeding. He latched a few times but got really frustrated really quickly each time. Lactation came to help us and we we were starting to get it on day two, but then his blood sugar dropped and he had to go to the NICU for some tests and a few rounds of the glucose gel to bring it back up. At that point, we knew my milk wasn’t in yet and that’s why he was getting so frustrated and his sugar had dropped, so we would try to breastfeed and then offer formula to help bring his sugar up. We kept trying to latch, he kept getting frustrated, I was become more anxious, and my milk still wasn’t coming in. So, I did some middle-of-the-night searching from my postpartum hospital bed and learned about Exclusive Pumping!
Exclusive Pumping isn’t really presented as an option for breastfeeding very often – probably because it’s unbelievably time consuming and can be really stressful in a very different way than breastfeeding. At least for me, knowing exactly how much milk I was producing each time I pumped made it a little bit of a mind game – like, oh I only pumped 5 oz. that time and last time I pumped 6; something must be wrong. It also doesn’t allow you much time to just “be” with your baby because you’re either bottle feeding, pumping when the baby isn’t feeding, or washing pump parts (so. many. pump parts.). BUT as much work as it was, and how much I overthought all of it, it’s what worked for TJ. Once he got a bottle and realized that it was WAY quicker than latching, waiting for letdown, and then nursing for as long as it took to feel full, he never looked back. We stopped supplementing with formula when my milk came in (with a vengeance) on day 5 postpartum, but he never latched again. I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into when I decided to EP, but it’s an experience I am weirdly grateful for.
One of the things I liked the best about Exclusive Pumping was how easy it was for me to build a freezer stash. Full disclosure: I am a dairy cow. Like, oversupply is an understatement. At one point, I was pumping 8 times a day for 15 minutes each time and was making almost 70 oz. of milk a day. Dropping pumping sessions as TJ got older was really hard for me because I got engorged so quickly. I had clogged ducts A LOT. But, I was able to pump enough milk to get him through his first birthday before he was 8 months old. My freezer storage system was a well-oiled machine, TJ was on a really predictable feeding schedule, and it was always possible for someone other than me to feed him.
A lot of the challenges of Exclusive Pumping are logistic challenges. What do you do if your baby is screaming, you’re pumping, and you’re home alone? What if you can’t find a plug when it’s time to pump? (Cue me in Disney World lugging a hospital grade pump around in a backpack looking for an outlet) What do you do with your pump parts if you pump while you’re out and then don’t go home for a while? All solvable and workable challenges, but so so so much work. I wound up renting a hospital grade pump to make sure my supply stayed steady, and getting 6 sets of pump parts so I didn’t have to wash one set eight times a day. It’s a lot of equipment, a lot of time, and a lot of physical energy. There were days I thought I would be tied to that pump forever and days I wanted to throw every pump part away, but I’m so glad I stuck with it. TJ was fed, happy, and growing, and making that much milk kept my MS essentially completely at bay.
Exclusive Breastfeeding (May 2019 – June 2020)
When Jacob was born, I put less pressure on myself. After the toll that Exclusive Pumping took on me mentally and physically, I knew it would be really difficult to do with two babies so close in age, so I decided that we would try breastfeeding but if it didn’t work, we would formula feed or do a combination of both. Again, whatever worked for him. Well, Jacob was a champ of a breastfeeder from literally Hour 1. He latched on as soon as we go back to the recovery room after my c-section and seemed like he just knew what to do. Granted, I stopped pumping two weeks before I got pregnant again so my milk came in much faster with him, but he also just fed differently. He would stay latched on for 45 minutes at a time (and did, pretty frequently in the beginning) if that’s how long it took to fill his belly. Breastfeeding was going so well in the first week or so, I was hesitant to introduce a bottle. I didn’t want to “ruin” what we had going since introducing the bottle was what changed the course with TJ. So I waited until Jacob was about 3 weeks old to introduce the bottle and he was NOT having it. Long story short, he never wound up taking one. We tried all the types of bottles, types of nipples, times of day, other people feeding him, starting off breastfeeding and trying to switch – none of it worked. And he screamed. Eventually, once we figured out his feeding challenges, it all made sense and at that point, I was working from home so we just focused on continuing to breastfeed and eventually were able to introduce a cup. But for most of the first year of his life, I was the only one who could feed him – and that’s a lot of pressure.
The mental exhaustion of breastfeeding is intense. It’s so physically taxing, so emotionally fulfilling but also challenging, and so readily discussed/commented on by everyone you come in contact with. I felt so much pressure since no one else could feed Jacob. I had no choice but to keep making milk, and I was constantly worried my supply would dry up for some reason. I also was the only one who could get up overnight with him – and that was intense for a while. He wasn’t ready for solids but was too hungry for just milk, so he was up every 2-3 hours overnight even at 9-10 months old. Add in a full-time job and a very busy two-year-old – I. Was. Spent. Eventually, Jacob found a way to eat solids that worked well for him, we night weaned, and he slept through the night. He was 12 months old, but we’ll take it!
Challenges and exhaustion included, I am so grateful for the 13 months that I was able to breastfeed Jacob. We weaned slowly and when we were both ready. It was a lot of two steps forward, three steps back, and for a while I thought he would go to college still nursing. But now we’re two months out and he’s eating and sleeping better than ever, and I’m able to take a shower without someone having to bring me a baby to nurse while there’s shampoo in my hair…not kidding.
Resources
I am aware that my ability to breastfeed my children for as long as I did was, in large part, due to the support I had and the resources I had access to. I delivered at a Baby Friendly Hospital, I received a pump each time through my insurance, and I had a safe and comfortable home and partnership to go through the postpartum/breastfeeding learning curves in. It breaks my heart that so many mothers don’t have access to these resources and feel so alone through the first days and weeks of breastfeeding, which can be so isolating. The resources below are both ones that I’ve used and ones that I’m very familiar with from the time I spent working in the NICU. If you are breastfeeding or you know someone who is, I hope you/they find some of these helpful!
- Kelly Mom – she has the best articles on pumping, milk storage, milk supply, you name it!
- The Pump Log app – it tracks time, ounces pumped, and, every pumping mama’s dream – it tells you when you can stop based on your supply and your baby’s average daily intake!
- La Leche League – Truly the authority on all things breastfeeding. Information, resources, facts, support groups – with a pretty awesome backstory of advocate mamas.
- Zip Milk – a local support search engine! Google just for breastfeeding. Someone give the woman (because it was obviously a woman) who created this site a Nobel Prize.
- Black Mamas Matter – The work this organization does goes SO far beyond breastfeeding, but providing resources and support for successful breastfeeding among Black mothers is one of their missions
- March of Dimes – As I’ve mentioned, I spent five years working in one of the NICU’s in Boston. Breastmilk is medicine for babies born preterm or sick and the work March of Dimes does to support mamas, babies, and families is unbelievable. Shameless plug: if you have extra milk in your freezer stash, please consider donating to a milk bank!
The purpose of me sharing my experience is never to boast, or make anyone feel guilty for not breastfeeding – it is to support even one woman who feels like she doesn’t have the resources or support she needs to reach her goals, whatever that goal may be. I truly believe fed is best, and you have to do what is right for you, your baby, your mental health, and your family. If you ever need a listening ear, someone to tell you it’s ok to stop (it’s ok to stop), or some random uses for some extra milk you have laying around, I’m your girl. Be sure to Pin this post for later, too!
xo,
Stephanie
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