April is C-section Awareness Month. The c-section rate in the US is 32% and the rate in Massachusetts is just about the same. While I knew this going into my first delivery, I still experienced many of the feelings that c-section mamas face…guilt, failure, disappointment, a little bit of sadness. But, above all, I was grateful that TJ and I were both safe and healthy.
My pregnancy with TJ was a pretty easy one. I had some morning sickness in the beginning, some heartburn at the end, and some weird cravings in the middle, but other than a pre-term labor scare at 29 weeks, I coasted through my first pregnancy. That being said, TJ measured large for gestational age from his first measurements at 8 weeks so by 39 weeks with no signs of labor, I was ready to get. him. out. With no signs of labor and the risk of MS relapse increasing the longer I stayed pregnant, my OB decided I should be induced at 39 weeks.
The day we went in for the induction, I was 39 weeks and 2 days pregnant and had no signs of early labor. I knew this meant my “risk” for a c-section was already pretty high. The plan was to use pitocin to try to kick start labor and “get things going” and then have my body take over. Well, the pitocin did its job. My contractions start quickly, intensified steadily, and I was dilated to 4cm within 4 hours. I had a good couple of hours of active labor with an epidural and things kept progressing, but around 2am (of course) things changed. My contractions were becoming too close together, I had a breakthrough spot with my epidural so there was a spot on my left hip where I felt EVERYTHING (women who give birth without pain medication are superheroes), and TJ started showing signs of distress.
Anesthesia came in a few times to adjust my epidural, my amazing nurses kept flipping me from side to side to try to keep TJ and I both comfortable, and Tim kept a cool washcloth on my head to try to keep my calm when I wasn’t vomiting. I knew where we were headed. After about an hour of trying to get TJ’s heart rate to stay where it should, I was 9cm dilated but couldn’t progress that last centimeter we needed. The OB team came in and said they were going to give it another 30 minutes and then we would start talking about a c-section. Well, about 10 minutes later TJ’s heart dropped…low…for 4 minutes. They called an emergency c-section.
The next hour was a blur. From the time the decision was made to the time TJ was delivered was less than 20 minutes. I signed the consent form while Tim changed into scrubs, Anesthesia came back to top my epidural up so I was numb enough for the surgery, and they wheeled me back to the OR. At that point, I was so worried about TJ, I honestly didn’t even think about what was happening. The second I heard him cry, a wave of relief rushed over me like I have never experienced. He was out. We had done it.
It wasn’t really until the next day that I started to feel a little sad. I didn’t have a birth plan per se, but I didn’t plan on a c-section either. I had been so encouraged by how well my labor had progressed initially that I really thought my body was going to come through for me for delivery. I think that after going through IVF and my pregnancy being classified because of my MS, I felt like needing to have a c-section was another way my body had failed me. I felt sad that I didn’t get to do skin-to-skin right away, that Tim got to hold TJ for an hour before I could since I wasn’t “stable”, that I was going to have to recover from major surgery and 21 hours of labor, that the beginning of my motherhood journey didn’t go the way I had pictured it.
But, two-and-a-half years later and another c-section under my belt, I know better. My body didn’t fail me or TJ. It showed all the signs it needed to show that we needed another option. My bond with TJ is no less because he didn’t go right on my chest after he was born. My motherhood is no less because of the way I gave birth. And, although it’s taken me some time to get used to my scar, it’s a beautiful reminder of the road we traveled to deliver two healthy babies.
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